On Connecting To Strangers
The Sidewalk Talk Blog
I am a couples therapist, as you know by now. I spend a LOT of time encouraging active listening and empathy between spouses. Important work, slowing the pace down of a heated fight using reflection and mirroring. That slowing down, can, but not always, open heated arguers up to a larger perspective and even empathy for the person they are arguing with. It is beautiful, when it works.
Active listening alone, cannot bring about real connection.
I had a co worker some years ago who was brilliant at active listening. Weirdly, I never felt connection to her. It was a technique she used to protect herself from getting too close. Not to get closer.
Some people use active listening and mirroring to avoid connection.
"How is this even possible?" you might ask. Connection is about how you, as the listener, show up to the dialogue - not how well you mirror. Nor is connection about how vulnerable, personal, or deep the talker goes. You heard Dr. Rosmann and I talk about this on this week’s podcast.
So what are we actually to be doing, then, if we are not just “reflecting”, “mirroring”, and “active” listening?
1. We are coming with open curiosity and total surrender of our opinions.
2. We bring a massive amounts of faith and trust that in this curious place of connection something quite profound and soulful can emerge.
That's right. I did just say faith and trust must accompany the our very deep surrender and open curiosity.
I knew this in my bones from listening on the sidewalk but when Dr. Rosmann and I spoke, she put words to it and my heart beamed. And being the visual thinker that I am, I drew us all some pictures.
May we all keep opening up in our connections and have faith the soulfulness that tcan emerge!
I am a woman, therapist, wife, mom, friend, listener, and founder/leader of Sidewalk Talk. You can subscribe to my couples therapy list here.